Channeling

I actually forgotten the existence of this blog until I noticed the fact that there's nowhere I can express my feelings.

Lately, I have been feeling down. There are so many things going on and I think I can't fix them. I don't even know where to begin right now.

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For one, I know how I feel about my work - my life as a teacher. 

Do I really want to be a teacher?

- No.

As simple as that. It has always been my mother's dream to be a teacher. So I am only helping her to realise her dream. "Mother knows best", I thought the same too. I get many holidays. When students have holidays, I have holidays too and my salary goes on. When time comes, the money is going to be in the account. Plenty of holidays with good pay. No other job better than being a teacher. 

But I really notice that I am unhappy being here. Yes, okay, I realise her dream so I become a teacher just like she wanted. What about MY dream?

Has she ever asked me if I'm happy teaching?

- No.

I wonder why people never bother asking about my feelings. It's always theirs. I feel that I am actually not important. My feelings, my opinions don't matter to anyone. Just for once, why can't anyone ask about me?

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Number two

Food stuff like noodle I bought from Japan; I cooked but they taste bad. I am not sure why, but one thing I am sure of is I want to be in Japan and eat in Japan. I think, the same food eaten in Japan will taste nicer than in Malaysia. Maybe I miss that Japan a lot that it makes me sad because I can't be there physically right now.

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And then there is this spot in my heart where I once no longer knew what crush, infatuation or love was.

Someone has made me know how to feel again. I have never had feelings for anyone like I do for him. And I care a lot about him. He's an emo kind of guy, though. Sometimes, he makes me feel like I am someone who can be easily replaced. As if he can act like he's never known me.

He refuses to be cared for and doesn't care on most things. Whenever I try to advise him on something he doesn't want to hear, he refuses on me. I feel rejected. Rejected by someone I care about so much. 

Lately, he told me that he intends to end his life. Although I shouldn't interfere with his decisions, but it pains me knowing that he doesn't want to continue living. I want to help him but I don't know how. He's far from me.

And every night since then, I cry myself to sleep not knowing if he'll still be breathing when I wake up. I just want him to stay alive.

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I recently bought a succulent plant. It is not doing very well.

Leaf wilted and died, leaves wrinkle at both surfaces. I repotted for the third time this evening. I just don't know what I can do to save my plant. It means a lot to me, so I feel helpless because I really don't know what I can do to fix it.

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I am not the kind of person who likes to be "read". I don't appreciate people trying to pry into my personal life, and attempt to invade my personal space.

I really am not happy living here. It makes me sad. I am on my way to leave this place for good. For my own happiness. I hope I can achieve it. I just want to do something I like.

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-vivian-