I can finally relate

to the sayings that sound like

one may appear happy on social media, but in reality that person is actually sad

and

I choose what to let you see, you see what I chose to show.

I am aware that I will soon enter the fourth week of feeling sad, stressed and perhaps depressed. I don't wish to use the word "depressed" tho..

It has been a really long time since I had suicidal thoughts, but they came anyway two weeks ago. Scenes like cutting myself on the wrist, running knife on my thigh, piercing the knife through my chest.. They keep playing on my mind at any time of the day, and without failure, I would see those scenes at night. I have been racing to go to bed early before these thoughts come invading my mind. But, they still come.

I wish I don't have to cry myself to sleep, but I don't know how or what to do. On most days, I just wish I could just stay at home. I just want to lie on the bed, not going anywhere, not seeing anyone. I heard that going out could make one feel better, but in my case, it didn't. Even when I walk at aisle in the mall, I know that there are hidden tears, ready to roll down my cheeks any time.

So I went shopping and made it a therapy. I spent a lot. I tried to communicate my best with the friendly worker in the mall. Spending lots didn't help. Faking my smile was painful and made me regret going out.

I try to keep myself as busy as I could. I did many things regardless for myself or helping others. But once I stop doing something to rest, in just that split second, I can feel that tears are filling in my eyes already. I ate cake, my favourite food, and I know that chocolates stimulate endorphins in the brain and make people happy, so I ate a lot of chocolates too. But neither helps me to feel better.

On most days, I wish I could end all the pain. I wish to take a knife and push it through my heart, but I am still sane to do such thing. Being strong is my only choice, but I don't know for how long I will be strong. Most of the time, I just feel like the tendons in my heart snap. It really feels like my heart is crushed. It is difficult not to think of it.

I am amazed by myself, how I live through every day still smiling, laughing and making jokes. I know I am in deep pain and I am hurt, but I don't know how to cope with what I am feeling now. I have lost my sincere, bright and heart-warming smile. I don't know how to find it back. I don't know what to do.